


By the Book

by killerweasel



Series: Sacrifices [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV Series)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 15:31:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20726519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerweasel/pseuds/killerweasel
Summary: Crowley and Hastur discuss literature. Sortof.





	By the Book

Title: By the Book  
Fandom: Good Omens (TV Series)  
Characters: Crowley/Aziraphale, Hastur  
Word Count: 700  
Rating: G  
A/N: After Episode 6.  
Summary: Crowley and Hastur discuss literatur.e Sortof. 

"He tried to eat some of the ducklings this morning, Crowley! I came this close to smiting him on the spot. You need to deal with this or I will." Aziraphale turned on his heel, his body shaking with rage, and walked to his library.

Crowley pinched the bridge of his nose with a sigh. "I can try, angel. You know how he gets when he and Ligur are fighting."

The pond just past the garden was usually full of life. As Crowley approached the water, he noticed how unnaturally quiet it was. The largest frog he'd ever seen was lurking at the water's edge, half buried in mud. It saw him, growled, and sunk even lower.

"I told you before, you have to leave the ducks alone. Aziraphale is going to shove something Holy in a very uncomfortable place if you so much as harm a feather on their heads." He sat down on the grass. "What are you two fighting about this time? It isn't logic in cartoons again, is it? The coyote is never going to win. That's not how it works."

"Didn't have a fight with Ligur. Just needed time to think." The frog spat muddy water at Crowley. "That book series with the monster dog, the one the side of a house, how do they feed the bloody thing? No human can afford that!" Swearing in several languages, the frog shifted back into Hastur's human form. "Not to mention, who cleans up after it? Can you imagine the piles of shit it leaves everywhere? It could crush a car with a turd!"

Crowley clapped a hand over his mouth, smothering the fit of laughter threatening to burst free. He took a deep breath before speaking. "How do you even know about that?"

"Did a bit of a lurk in a library last week. Had to tempt a librarian and got caught up in Story Time." Hastur kicked a rock into the water. "Bunch of those books are really confusing. How do children make sense of them?"

"They're kids. They don't care or if they do care, they make up reasons for the way things happen." Crowley shrugged. "Used to read to Warlock, the kid who wasn't the Antichrist, all the time when I was the Nanny. And I agree with you, things don't always make sense."

"Give me another example."

“So there's a monkey who has all these wacky adventures where he gets into some kind of trouble that’s resolved by the end of the book and everyone laughs. Really. I must have read like twenty of those books and they all follow the same pattern. What I don’t understand is why people eat the food this monkey has touched with his dirty monkey feet. He makes pizza with his feet, he sorts candy into boxes with his feet. He doesn't wash his feet first!”

Hastur blinked. "What's so bad about that?"

"Never mind. You turn into a bunch of maggots to eat things." Crowley shuddered. "It's just gross."

The Duke of Hell made a rude noise. "One of the other books, it was about this woman, she’s like a housekeeper or something. Anyways, she takes what people say literally. If you told her do draw the curtains, she’d actually get out a pen and start drawing. They laughed at the end of it even though she’d destroyed things. She not only stole a car, but kidnapped a couple of kids in the process. But everyone thinks that’s funny! Why would anyone hire her?”

"If they didn't, then there wouldn't be a book? Or a series of books?" Getting to his feet, Crowley gave Hastur a look. “They never said that Humpty Dumpty was an egg, but all the pictures I’ve ever see have him drawn as one.”

"Huh." Hastur pulled a cigarette from behind his ear and lit it. "Ligur wanted to know if you guys would come to dinner with us tonight. He's picked some fancy smancy place in London. We can meet you here at six and then go together."

"Sounds good. I'm sure Aziraphale would love to. I might actually eat something tonight."

Hastur gave Crowley a small smile before vanishing.


End file.
